"Let it hurt until it hurts no more. Always remember that it takes time to heal."
A quote i happen to come by. And it holds nothing but the truth.
How healing mentally varies to each and every individual. Some takes days, weeks, months, years, or rather, in the process of healing still.
Whatever stage they may be at, every single second that passes by, is a moment closer to being healed.
Much like many other things in life, we want them to be fast, quick, immediate.
Same goes to healing.
The journey, if can be described as flavours, they'd be bitter, sour, sweet, salty and tasteless altogether. It brings you through pain and joy at the same time.
At first, it'll be hard to let go. You cling on, hoping that it's all just a bad dream that you'll wake up to and give a sigh of relief that it's all nothing but a nightmare.
You hold on until you can no longer hold it.
And the pain of letting go, indescribable pain.
You'll then go in to denial, pretty much already at it while you were holding on, until reality slaps you hard on your face.
Then distractions.
You distract yourself by occupying that mind of yours, doing anything and everything but to face your feelings.
You do what you think makes you happy, put on a show to the world, lying even to yourself, somehow convinced and believing in your own lies.
That you are okay, you are fine, you got it.
But heck. Are you really?
Then the pain, hurt and everything else starts gushing in and you're hit with every emotions.
You question everything. It's like sitting in a time pod and it brings you back to every single questionable scenes. Self blame. Because you know that you allowed all of that to happen to you. You let it happen. You allowed it. You were weak.
The wall.
You learnt that putting your wall down exposes you. So you build it. Brick by brick, layer by layer. You shut anything down that might bring you back to the same pain again.
A wall that might have been built unknowingly over time. Many a times, we are how we are, because of what we go through or went through.
You put on a wall, to protect yourself, because it scares you how much pain a person can bring you especially coming from someone that is dear to you.
The breakdown.
Oh you thought you've felt every single pain and hurt that you could, but this comes creeping on you.
You're mentally exhausted that it affects you physically. You're just constantly tired and all you wanna do is to just crawl on to the bed and shut the world around you.
People go through grief differently. Perhaps mine is to just shut everything out.
Sometimes you need someone to listen, to understand, to hold you.
Most of the time, for the perpetrator to realize what they've done to break you. But always to no avail. So you blame yourself because... you allowed it.
Fear, pain, hurt, anger. Suffocating you.
That pain in your chest. It squeezes. Like fish out of the water. You crave oxygen to breathe.
You'll trade anything you can, just to remove it.
Like unicorn, impossible.
And it all goes down to time.
Acceptance.
You may or may not be here.
And you're the only one who knows truly.
Like said quote, hurt until it hurts no more.
On a scale of 1 to being least and 10 for being most, it was once way past 10, but now I guess it's at 5-6.
It still hurts, but it doesn't hurt as bad.
Not when I come to realize, that it took hell of a courage to walk away from something that is eating me alive.
I did not lose because I quit.
I won because I know when to quit.
There was a time I almost manipulated myself to believe that the level of pain I had can never be compared to others that went through worst. Some may not even live to tell the tale.
I questioned myself and brought myself to the past again and again, walking through it, finding my mistake that could've led to them. My only mistake, was to allow a man to treat me less than a woman, less than what I deserve.
Up til this day, as ugly and painful as things are, I realize that perhaps I too, may not be the best for some.
And I am glad it came to this. No longer a sigh, but a breath of relief.
The storm will pass, and the sun will shine once more.
Sometimes, you just have to learn the hard way in order for you to remember and to be wiser.
Remind yourself, that it is never your lost. It's theirs.
It might be scary to give yourself that chance once more, but I believe and I want to believe, that something beautiful awaits.
People always say "you deserve better".
I say, all of us deserve better. In fact, we all deserve the best.
Like the best dessert after a good meal.
Nothing a gooey sweet creamy finger licking cold ice-cream can't fix. Guilty pleasures :)
Tuesday, July 14, 2020
Sunday, March 29, 2020
Thought bubbles in bubbles :]
*Global pandemic*
When it first hit the news, it was just like any other influenza outbreaks.
The world doesn't seem to be in much of a concern, until things took a hit and the numbers started increasing rapidly within hours, days, weeks.
The next thing you know, almost the whole world goes under lock-down.
It has been said that this is worse than SARS epidemic which occurred 17 years back.
This pandemic has definitely hit the aviation industry hard.
I mean, it did it's job by hitting the whole world's economy bad, everybody is feeling the punch, not pinch.
Heck,
Covid -19 - 1, Homo-sapiens - 0.
https://www.worldometers.info/coronavirus/
Reported cases as of date : 645,606
How this has affected those of us that are flying?
Almost all the flights are cancelled, restrictions into entering/leaving/re-entering any countries,
nil flights = nil allowances (which us, the cabin crew heavily relies on), scratching heads on tonnes of bills to pay, don't even get me started on those with families, how troubled their minds are right now.
Families of those that are worried sick, or we ourselves, worries too as we might not know what's gonna happen next. How paranoia struck while on duty, off duty too.
And, boredom for those that are stuck at home, which happens to be our current fate for past 2-3weeks, and by the looks of it, we might be stuck in this current situation for couple of more weeks, possibly months.
Explains all the tiktok vids, challenges and whatnot that's been circling around on social media.
In a way, it is somewhat true that mother earth is taking a break from human beings.
We too, are taking a break from whatever that's been happening around us. Especially in a country with such fast pace.
With all the global chaos occurring, one thing hasn't changed much though, the mind.
How I wish the mind can take a breather too. For once.
When it first hit the news, it was just like any other influenza outbreaks.
The world doesn't seem to be in much of a concern, until things took a hit and the numbers started increasing rapidly within hours, days, weeks.
The next thing you know, almost the whole world goes under lock-down.
It has been said that this is worse than SARS epidemic which occurred 17 years back.
This pandemic has definitely hit the aviation industry hard.
I mean, it did it's job by hitting the whole world's economy bad, everybody is feeling the punch, not pinch.
Heck,
Covid -19 - 1, Homo-sapiens - 0.
https://www.worldometers.info/coronavirus/
Reported cases as of date : 645,606
How this has affected those of us that are flying?
Almost all the flights are cancelled, restrictions into entering/leaving/re-entering any countries,
nil flights = nil allowances (which us, the cabin crew heavily relies on), scratching heads on tonnes of bills to pay, don't even get me started on those with families, how troubled their minds are right now.
Families of those that are worried sick, or we ourselves, worries too as we might not know what's gonna happen next. How paranoia struck while on duty, off duty too.
And, boredom for those that are stuck at home, which happens to be our current fate for past 2-3weeks, and by the looks of it, we might be stuck in this current situation for couple of more weeks, possibly months.
Explains all the tiktok vids, challenges and whatnot that's been circling around on social media.
In a way, it is somewhat true that mother earth is taking a break from human beings.
We too, are taking a break from whatever that's been happening around us. Especially in a country with such fast pace.
With all the global chaos occurring, one thing hasn't changed much though, the mind.
How I wish the mind can take a breather too. For once.
Wednesday, March 11, 2020
Reactions to actions :]
"You either say how you feel and f*ck it up, or say nothing and let it f*ck you up instead."
Time passed since, but it got me thinking still.
Like wind, the flow comes, oh so unexpectedly.
It catches you at such odd timings, you were unguarded.
The pain it brings, no words in the dictionary could ever describe it.
It may hurt less as day goes by, but it hurts, still.
I wish there is a reset button to everything.
Anything to carve this feeling out of my heart.
Like a fine needle, it may look harmless, but embedded in so deep, you feel it with every single heartbeat.
The ache it brings, you can't help but to take a deep breath, and in that deep breath you take, you feel it poking in deeper.
The sharpness of it as you slowly breathe out... Ooof...
How can something you thought planned out so well, turned out to be so wrong?
Turned out to be a mistake.
Funny when there were warning signs, red flags.
But what does this smart girl ended up doing?
Ignoring them, brushing them off.
Believing, that a person would change.
Believing, that a person would not stoop to such level.
Believing, that a person gave his all.
Believing every sweet honey coated words masking those actions.
Who was I kidding?
Who was I trying to fool?
Clearly, yours truly.
The world does not hear, nor do they see what was happening.
It was kept so well. Sealed so tightly.
Until the day comes, where I couldn't hold it in any longer.
That very day.
The cloud of fear that was surrounding me that very day.
I felt as if he had eyes everywhere, around me, watching my every single moves.
I do not feel safe any longer.
The body is finally rejecting it.
How it was when in that situation, you had every chance to run, but you were paralyzed.
Paralyzed by what you claim to be "love" that you had for that person.
Paralyzed by the fear of loss.
How can one, love to an extent where you let yourself drown?
Probably why they call it "blinded by love".
When I realized, whatever the hell that I've done in the past, were worthless.
Time/effort invested.
None of those count, as long as he believes in his theories.
How you feel that you're such a fool.
It makes you laugh and weep at the same time, in disbelief.
I am always grateful, how my eyes were finally opened.
After a couple of blows, I'm defeated.
Finally, the heart says, I'm done...
You know how you've been doing the chasing all these while, you just want to be chased for once.
26 days, the most gruesome 4 weeks of my life.
Worse than what any physical pain one may experience.
Each and every single day. Down to the hours, minutes, seconds.
How it pained me to wait, to see.
But each passing day was to no avail.
To even have a shut eye was a battle itself.
The mind and body is exhausted, but the eyes just wouldn't close.
The stomach was growling for food, but the smell and thought of it makes one want to puke.
The lips was carving a smile and laughter, but how much it's aching to fake them every single time.
Home was not home.
It felt like it was just a place to crash in before the day has to start again.
26th day.
The first thing that popped was "What happened?", filled with arrogance.
I knew right then, enough is enough.
I deserved/deserve better than this.
There is a phrase that goes "You left mentally before you leave physically."
I left a long time ago.
Keeping this as a commitment as I needed to.
Fulfilling whatever duties I needed to.
How is life after tying the knot they ask.
And my reply would always be the same, good.
They were genuine in the beginning stages, but as time goes, the word "good" was the best word of a reply to stop any further questions.
The thing about relationship of any sort, is that, effort should be put in, from both ends.
It gets tiring if one starts giving up and the other kept filling up the spaces for the other.
Sparks have to be kept alive instead of taking things for granted.
Tendency of complacence is definitely high as time pass, and that's the poison.
The mother of all failures.
And when one realizes, it's usually too late.
Or when one tries to change you, inside out.
When you are told to change, and be a "better version" of you, by not being yourself.
So this question that I have lingering in me is, who or what did you fall for, since all these changes are necessary?
Perhaps I too did not do what's needed to be done?
But I tried, expressing myself which in turn leads to a disagreement or argument.
Or being shun off.
Nobody saw this coming.
Not me especially.
I am still asking myself "why" til this very day.
Time passed since, but it got me thinking still.
Like wind, the flow comes, oh so unexpectedly.
It catches you at such odd timings, you were unguarded.
The pain it brings, no words in the dictionary could ever describe it.
It may hurt less as day goes by, but it hurts, still.
I wish there is a reset button to everything.
Anything to carve this feeling out of my heart.
Like a fine needle, it may look harmless, but embedded in so deep, you feel it with every single heartbeat.
The ache it brings, you can't help but to take a deep breath, and in that deep breath you take, you feel it poking in deeper.
The sharpness of it as you slowly breathe out... Ooof...
How can something you thought planned out so well, turned out to be so wrong?
Turned out to be a mistake.
Funny when there were warning signs, red flags.
But what does this smart girl ended up doing?
Ignoring them, brushing them off.
Believing, that a person would change.
Believing, that a person would not stoop to such level.
Believing, that a person gave his all.
Believing every sweet honey coated words masking those actions.
Who was I kidding?
Who was I trying to fool?
Clearly, yours truly.
The world does not hear, nor do they see what was happening.
It was kept so well. Sealed so tightly.
Until the day comes, where I couldn't hold it in any longer.
That very day.
The cloud of fear that was surrounding me that very day.
I felt as if he had eyes everywhere, around me, watching my every single moves.
I do not feel safe any longer.
The body is finally rejecting it.
How it was when in that situation, you had every chance to run, but you were paralyzed.
Paralyzed by what you claim to be "love" that you had for that person.
Paralyzed by the fear of loss.
How can one, love to an extent where you let yourself drown?
Probably why they call it "blinded by love".
When I realized, whatever the hell that I've done in the past, were worthless.
Time/effort invested.
None of those count, as long as he believes in his theories.
How you feel that you're such a fool.
It makes you laugh and weep at the same time, in disbelief.
I am always grateful, how my eyes were finally opened.
After a couple of blows, I'm defeated.
Finally, the heart says, I'm done...
You know how you've been doing the chasing all these while, you just want to be chased for once.
26 days, the most gruesome 4 weeks of my life.
Worse than what any physical pain one may experience.
Each and every single day. Down to the hours, minutes, seconds.
How it pained me to wait, to see.
But each passing day was to no avail.
To even have a shut eye was a battle itself.
The mind and body is exhausted, but the eyes just wouldn't close.
The stomach was growling for food, but the smell and thought of it makes one want to puke.
The lips was carving a smile and laughter, but how much it's aching to fake them every single time.
Home was not home.
It felt like it was just a place to crash in before the day has to start again.
26th day.
The first thing that popped was "What happened?", filled with arrogance.
I knew right then, enough is enough.
I deserved/deserve better than this.
There is a phrase that goes "You left mentally before you leave physically."
I left a long time ago.
Keeping this as a commitment as I needed to.
Fulfilling whatever duties I needed to.
How is life after tying the knot they ask.
And my reply would always be the same, good.
They were genuine in the beginning stages, but as time goes, the word "good" was the best word of a reply to stop any further questions.
The thing about relationship of any sort, is that, effort should be put in, from both ends.
It gets tiring if one starts giving up and the other kept filling up the spaces for the other.
Sparks have to be kept alive instead of taking things for granted.
Tendency of complacence is definitely high as time pass, and that's the poison.
The mother of all failures.
And when one realizes, it's usually too late.
Or when one tries to change you, inside out.
When you are told to change, and be a "better version" of you, by not being yourself.
So this question that I have lingering in me is, who or what did you fall for, since all these changes are necessary?
Perhaps I too did not do what's needed to be done?
But I tried, expressing myself which in turn leads to a disagreement or argument.
Or being shun off.
Nobody saw this coming.
Not me especially.
I am still asking myself "why" til this very day.
Thursday, January 30, 2020
Losing vs Loss :]
"You don't know what you have until it's gone."
Browsing through social media, clicked on the first Highlight, Trixie.
Loaded, clicked back, load again, clicked back. On repeat.
Made me think, when was the last time I touched you, pet you, bathed you.
Oh how we take things in life for granted.
How we assume that nothing would go wrong, that people or things would always be around us, until, it's gone.
Funny how people work so hard for something that they really want, and once they get it, they start giving up, or I'd rather the word, complacency.
The effort that's being put in on the initial stage, you try so hard, and once you got it, the effort fades away, slowly, and little did you know, you start losing interest, neglecting.
No doubt the love you have for said thing is still there,
but perhaps, much like the phrase, actions speak louder than words.
Actions are gone, but words linger around, like a broken stereo.
Words that you hear ever so often, you start brushing them of.
Words that mean something eventually meant nothing.
Is it really human nature to take things for granted?
Is there something we can do to change that fact?
Oh we could, we can.
It's called, trying, on a constant basis.
Keeping it real, keeping it fresh.
Resentment.
The ultimate krypton.
Once that is in you towards a person, it goes downhill from then on.
The key to a basic mutuality → Communication.
But what if, communicating leads to an argument, a misunderstanding, a mishap, instead of putting your message across?
Defense mechanism. That happens.
You bottle your emotions up. You keep your thoughts to yourself. You hold yourself back. You become less like you, and more like what people want you to be.
Hence, resentment, in you.
People would question you why.
Why?
Because you believe that it's alright. It's okay.
You believe it's compromising.
There is no such thing as compromising, if it's a one way highway.
Where one benefits and the other gets hurt, be it emotionally, physically or spiritually.
Parasitism.
How can one let another have control of oneself.
Is the fear of losing, clouding up one's judgement?
Perhaps.
It gets tiring. It gets heavy. You could barely breathe at times.
Emotions.
A wonderful feeling.
A toxic one at it too.
You wish you could just turn that switch off.
Just a flick of a switch and it's off.
Turn it back on, only when it's necessary.
Only when it's a positive one.
If only it's as simple as ABC.
One fine day, when reality slaps you in the face, and you realize your worth, you stand back up on both feet once again.
They tell you you've changed. You are no longer who they claim you to be.
What if you never change.
What if you are just being yourself once again.
What if you find it in you to be who you really are.
Someone you've suppressed, in order to please another.
Like a sleeping volcano, erupting once more.
It's amusing how people would destroy another just to lift themselves up.
And in return, they question the other party, why.
"Why do you behave in such a manner when all I'm doing is to just destroy you?
Why are you reacting accordingly to my actions?
Why are you being so emotional when I'm just being heartless?
Why harvest so much of anger for me when I'm thinking of myself but not you?"
Humans are such complex creature.
They claim they love you for a second, and they despise you the next.
They don't see what they're doing to you.
Or maybe they do, but it's not that they care.
Such drastic change creates fear.
Fear of being vulnerable.
Fear of getting all your emotions thrown back at you.
There are so many why's, how's, what if's.
There is only so much one can hold back.
Superiority over animals despite being classified as one, top of the food chain and all.
But really, being an animal is so much more straightforward.
Either you're a prey or predator.
Either you eat to stay alive, or get eaten.
No in between.
Love? Nah, it's just mating to reproduce.
Albeit some animals probably are scientifically proven to stay with one mate for the rest of their life, but nahhh. Far more simple than homo sapiens.
Life is but a dream, they say.
Sweet dreams, nightmares or just dream dream.
We'll snap out of it eventually.
It's just a matter of time.
I suppose.
"You lost the moon while counting the stars."
Browsing through social media, clicked on the first Highlight, Trixie.
Loaded, clicked back, load again, clicked back. On repeat.
Made me think, when was the last time I touched you, pet you, bathed you.
Oh how we take things in life for granted.
How we assume that nothing would go wrong, that people or things would always be around us, until, it's gone.
Funny how people work so hard for something that they really want, and once they get it, they start giving up, or I'd rather the word, complacency.
The effort that's being put in on the initial stage, you try so hard, and once you got it, the effort fades away, slowly, and little did you know, you start losing interest, neglecting.
No doubt the love you have for said thing is still there,
but perhaps, much like the phrase, actions speak louder than words.
Actions are gone, but words linger around, like a broken stereo.
Words that you hear ever so often, you start brushing them of.
Words that mean something eventually meant nothing.
Is it really human nature to take things for granted?
Is there something we can do to change that fact?
Oh we could, we can.
It's called, trying, on a constant basis.
Keeping it real, keeping it fresh.
Resentment.
The ultimate krypton.
Once that is in you towards a person, it goes downhill from then on.
The key to a basic mutuality → Communication.
But what if, communicating leads to an argument, a misunderstanding, a mishap, instead of putting your message across?
Defense mechanism. That happens.
You bottle your emotions up. You keep your thoughts to yourself. You hold yourself back. You become less like you, and more like what people want you to be.
Hence, resentment, in you.
People would question you why.
Why?
Because you believe that it's alright. It's okay.
You believe it's compromising.
There is no such thing as compromising, if it's a one way highway.
Where one benefits and the other gets hurt, be it emotionally, physically or spiritually.
Parasitism.
How can one let another have control of oneself.
Is the fear of losing, clouding up one's judgement?
Perhaps.
It gets tiring. It gets heavy. You could barely breathe at times.
Emotions.
A wonderful feeling.
A toxic one at it too.
You wish you could just turn that switch off.
Just a flick of a switch and it's off.
Turn it back on, only when it's necessary.
Only when it's a positive one.
If only it's as simple as ABC.
One fine day, when reality slaps you in the face, and you realize your worth, you stand back up on both feet once again.
They tell you you've changed. You are no longer who they claim you to be.
What if you never change.
What if you are just being yourself once again.
What if you find it in you to be who you really are.
Someone you've suppressed, in order to please another.
Like a sleeping volcano, erupting once more.
It's amusing how people would destroy another just to lift themselves up.
And in return, they question the other party, why.
"Why do you behave in such a manner when all I'm doing is to just destroy you?
Why are you reacting accordingly to my actions?
Why are you being so emotional when I'm just being heartless?
Why harvest so much of anger for me when I'm thinking of myself but not you?"
Humans are such complex creature.
They claim they love you for a second, and they despise you the next.
They don't see what they're doing to you.
Or maybe they do, but it's not that they care.
Such drastic change creates fear.
Fear of being vulnerable.
Fear of getting all your emotions thrown back at you.
There are so many why's, how's, what if's.
There is only so much one can hold back.
Superiority over animals despite being classified as one, top of the food chain and all.
But really, being an animal is so much more straightforward.
Either you're a prey or predator.
Either you eat to stay alive, or get eaten.
No in between.
Love? Nah, it's just mating to reproduce.
Albeit some animals probably are scientifically proven to stay with one mate for the rest of their life, but nahhh. Far more simple than homo sapiens.
Life is but a dream, they say.
Sweet dreams, nightmares or just dream dream.
We'll snap out of it eventually.
It's just a matter of time.
I suppose.
"You lost the moon while counting the stars."
Tuesday, January 14, 2020
Reflects, reflex :]
13 days has passed since new year.
Everything feels and look pretty much the same.
Well, in exactly 5 months 9 days, it's gonna be my 10th year residing here, on this little red dot ⛳, they call it.
As much as I've mentioned how things were pretty much the same since new year, that's definitely 👆 one thing that changed a whole lot.
From how a reserved timid 17 year old teenage girl eagerly left home, looking for an adventure outside of her comfort zone, breathing air in new places before fate found her one to set her foot on. I somehow cornered and forced my ownself into "adulting" because of my decision.
Rash decision? Probably.
But you live and you learn ey ✌
I remembered how excited and scared I was knowing a new adventure awaits. It was mixed feelings, churning in me.
How I was awed looking, admiring all those tall beautiful sleek buildings, like something out of the movie.
Stayed in KL close to 3 months prior to that, but Singapore is on another level.
A girl, from a simple small town, ventured out, and it was indeed an eye opener.
Where I was from, based on my memory growing up til 2010, things were simple then.
You don't need no google maps or gps to bring you around. You memorize the roads, from main roads, to small little roads, well versed in every single corner, all at the tip of your fingers.
No doubt home is bigger than Singapore, but it was not as developed. Hence, lesser buildings, lesser malls, lesser confusions.
But KK has been improving especially the past 2 years. Which kinda saddens me, because the old roads I used to know were either no longer there, or they've changed the route, widen it, or added overpass. Never thought I'll see the day KK actually has an overpass. Now they've got couple of it, and the last I went back, 2 were under constructions, on their way up.
How time pass.
How things change.
For the better, or for the worse.
Time waits for nobody.
The next thing you know, it's tomorrow.
The next you blink, it's another 10 years.
I question myself at times.
Where do I go from here.
The thing about the mind,
is that;
it never stops wondering; where, when, how, why, what.
it never stops wandering; into that tunnel that leads to multiple sections, never ending crossroads.
The mind triggers memories, both good and bad.
One setback though, we tend to remember more of the bad.
You can't help but to. Human nature.
Also, when the bad supersedes the good.
As much as you try not to bring negativity into the space, it's filled with it.
When you thought you are able to control your emotions, hide them, ignore them, suppress them;
it's just a matter of time.
Again, time, plays a big part in this.
How much capacity does the heart and mind have,
How long of a time does the heart and mind able to bear,
What will break both the heart and mind, before they're awaken and finally erupt.
When you're constantly in that cloud you thought was cloud 9,
turns out to be fog or haze that's been blinding your sight, clouding your might.
Is this how much feelings/emotions can play with your heart and mind?
How it changes your sight, and judgement.
I wonder how, why.
We are in control of our own emotions, we are in control of our own judgments.
But when you let somebody control them for you, put strings on you and puppet you around, who is to be blamed, but yours truly.
Choice is yours. Choices are yours.
You don't believe in quitting.
But when love changes to something else, how does that justify said situation.
Nobody knows what happens behind closed doors.
Nobody is able to feel what you felt.
And you can go to nobody, because you're lost, confused, tongue tied.
When you dug yourself a hole so deep, you forgot to leave an exit for yourself just in case.
Now you're struggling to get yourself out of it.
How all of these made you change your perception on things.
There are times where i wish, I could turn back the clock, back to when I was that happy-go-lucky carefree 5 year old child and stay that way. Never grow up.
Guess that only exist in fairy tales like Peter Pan.
Oh wells 2020, bring it bruh. Come what may :]
Everything feels and look pretty much the same.
Well, in exactly 5 months 9 days, it's gonna be my 10th year residing here, on this little red dot ⛳, they call it.
As much as I've mentioned how things were pretty much the same since new year, that's definitely 👆 one thing that changed a whole lot.
From how a reserved timid 17 year old teenage girl eagerly left home, looking for an adventure outside of her comfort zone, breathing air in new places before fate found her one to set her foot on. I somehow cornered and forced my ownself into "adulting" because of my decision.
Rash decision? Probably.
But you live and you learn ey ✌
I remembered how excited and scared I was knowing a new adventure awaits. It was mixed feelings, churning in me.
How I was awed looking, admiring all those tall beautiful sleek buildings, like something out of the movie.
Stayed in KL close to 3 months prior to that, but Singapore is on another level.
A girl, from a simple small town, ventured out, and it was indeed an eye opener.
Where I was from, based on my memory growing up til 2010, things were simple then.
You don't need no google maps or gps to bring you around. You memorize the roads, from main roads, to small little roads, well versed in every single corner, all at the tip of your fingers.
No doubt home is bigger than Singapore, but it was not as developed. Hence, lesser buildings, lesser malls, lesser confusions.
But KK has been improving especially the past 2 years. Which kinda saddens me, because the old roads I used to know were either no longer there, or they've changed the route, widen it, or added overpass. Never thought I'll see the day KK actually has an overpass. Now they've got couple of it, and the last I went back, 2 were under constructions, on their way up.
How time pass.
How things change.
For the better, or for the worse.
Time waits for nobody.
The next thing you know, it's tomorrow.
The next you blink, it's another 10 years.
I question myself at times.
Where do I go from here.
The thing about the mind,
is that;
it never stops wondering; where, when, how, why, what.
it never stops wandering; into that tunnel that leads to multiple sections, never ending crossroads.
The mind triggers memories, both good and bad.
One setback though, we tend to remember more of the bad.
You can't help but to. Human nature.
Also, when the bad supersedes the good.
As much as you try not to bring negativity into the space, it's filled with it.
When you thought you are able to control your emotions, hide them, ignore them, suppress them;
it's just a matter of time.
Again, time, plays a big part in this.
How much capacity does the heart and mind have,
How long of a time does the heart and mind able to bear,
What will break both the heart and mind, before they're awaken and finally erupt.
When you're constantly in that cloud you thought was cloud 9,
turns out to be fog or haze that's been blinding your sight, clouding your might.
Is this how much feelings/emotions can play with your heart and mind?
How it changes your sight, and judgement.
I wonder how, why.
We are in control of our own emotions, we are in control of our own judgments.
But when you let somebody control them for you, put strings on you and puppet you around, who is to be blamed, but yours truly.
Choice is yours. Choices are yours.
One thing others wouldn't understand, is how sometimes, certain people are gifted.
Gifted with words.
Gifted with alluring you into believing.
Gifted with alluring you into believing.
Gifted into making you stay.
Gifted into making you hold on to something that's eating you inside, yet you don't show it on the outside.
A gift with a curse.
You don't believe in quitting.
But when love changes to something else, how does that justify said situation.
Nobody knows what happens behind closed doors.
Nobody is able to feel what you felt.
And you can go to nobody, because you're lost, confused, tongue tied.
When you dug yourself a hole so deep, you forgot to leave an exit for yourself just in case.
Now you're struggling to get yourself out of it.
How all of these made you change your perception on things.
There are times where i wish, I could turn back the clock, back to when I was that happy-go-lucky carefree 5 year old child and stay that way. Never grow up.
Guess that only exist in fairy tales like Peter Pan.
Oh wells 2020, bring it bruh. Come what may :]
Saturday, November 30, 2019
Gone, for too long :]
Well hello again dear bloggie!
It's been ages since my last entry.
How long has it been? 6 and a half years?
Life has been a coaster ride for the past years.
It was definitely one hell of a ride. Though i wish it could actually feel like one.
The adrenaline rush and the joy gushing in through you after the ride stops.
Yeah, that.
But I guess there are some things we can't control or foresee in life.
Life works in a funny way where you're challenged in so many ways.
In ways and time you least expect it to hit you.
So when life hits, there are 2 ways.
Either you put your head down and stay down or hold your head up high and stand the hell back up.
Have you ever see where you'll be in the future?
Where you'll plan from this to that, and execute it?
I have.
And my biggest mistake or rather, regret, was to not have a backup plan.
See the thing is, I once thought that this was it, life's made, and put my all into it.
Throwing all my eggs into the same basket and not leaving some for myself.
Same goes to my trust and faith.
That one time I decided to put it all in without sparing some for myself, it screwed me upside down inside out.
I should've known better.
Nobody else is to be blame but myself.
There were warning signs, subtle, obvious ones too, but this coconut head of mine choose to ignore them and told myself, it's okay, it's alright, it'll pass, it'll be better.
Who am I fooling?
Clearly myself.
Ego plays a huge part in this too.
Where you try so hard to make something work so badly, believing that it will, but deep down inside, you know, you know very well that one day it's gonna blow.
When it blew, you're literally in a state where you don't even know how to react.
Feeling like you're numb and dumbfounded.
"I got this", I thought to myself.
Little did I know, it was a cut so deep, the blood took a while to flow out of it.
The kind of cut that you thought was minor, turns out to be something a simple plaster couldn't fix.
It was all dark and gloomy for a bit, was lost, the mind was constantly disturbed, unable to focus yet you have to put this front where everything is ok, but it shows, people around you see it unknowingly.
Then I gave myself a tight slap in the face and said, get your ass back up and stop weeping, stop feeling sorry for yourself and I got out of it.
I finally did.
So I thought...
I was happy, I was smiling, I was laughing again, I started enjoying life once more, until it came crashing down.
Little did I know, all of that, all that so called happiness, positivism, it was all but a defense mechanism.
It was something called, denial.
Never have I thought anybody could damage me so badly.
Ripped me bits by bits.
Living the life of somebody else's but mine.
Over the years...
I lost a sense of self.
I wasn't who I once were.
That originality, stolen, locked up, molded into something else.
As hard as this lesson could be, in this I learn, that nothing can break you if you put your mind into it.
Break that barrier, pull yourself together.
Self pity? Save it.
The last thing we need from ourselves is self pity.
Life is not all sunshine and rainbows, heck, you need some thunderstorms here and there too.
It's called balance :]
It's been ages since my last entry.
How long has it been? 6 and a half years?
Life has been a coaster ride for the past years.
It was definitely one hell of a ride. Though i wish it could actually feel like one.
The adrenaline rush and the joy gushing in through you after the ride stops.
Yeah, that.
But I guess there are some things we can't control or foresee in life.
Life works in a funny way where you're challenged in so many ways.
In ways and time you least expect it to hit you.
So when life hits, there are 2 ways.
Either you put your head down and stay down or hold your head up high and stand the hell back up.
Have you ever see where you'll be in the future?
Where you'll plan from this to that, and execute it?
I have.
And my biggest mistake or rather, regret, was to not have a backup plan.
See the thing is, I once thought that this was it, life's made, and put my all into it.
Throwing all my eggs into the same basket and not leaving some for myself.
Same goes to my trust and faith.
That one time I decided to put it all in without sparing some for myself, it screwed me upside down inside out.
I should've known better.
Nobody else is to be blame but myself.
There were warning signs, subtle, obvious ones too, but this coconut head of mine choose to ignore them and told myself, it's okay, it's alright, it'll pass, it'll be better.
Who am I fooling?
Clearly myself.
Ego plays a huge part in this too.
Where you try so hard to make something work so badly, believing that it will, but deep down inside, you know, you know very well that one day it's gonna blow.
When it blew, you're literally in a state where you don't even know how to react.
Feeling like you're numb and dumbfounded.
"I got this", I thought to myself.
Little did I know, it was a cut so deep, the blood took a while to flow out of it.
The kind of cut that you thought was minor, turns out to be something a simple plaster couldn't fix.
It was all dark and gloomy for a bit, was lost, the mind was constantly disturbed, unable to focus yet you have to put this front where everything is ok, but it shows, people around you see it unknowingly.
Then I gave myself a tight slap in the face and said, get your ass back up and stop weeping, stop feeling sorry for yourself and I got out of it.
I finally did.
So I thought...
I was happy, I was smiling, I was laughing again, I started enjoying life once more, until it came crashing down.
Little did I know, all of that, all that so called happiness, positivism, it was all but a defense mechanism.
It was something called, denial.
Never have I thought anybody could damage me so badly.
Ripped me bits by bits.
Living the life of somebody else's but mine.
Over the years...
I lost a sense of self.
I wasn't who I once were.
That originality, stolen, locked up, molded into something else.
As hard as this lesson could be, in this I learn, that nothing can break you if you put your mind into it.
Break that barrier, pull yourself together.
Self pity? Save it.
The last thing we need from ourselves is self pity.
Life is not all sunshine and rainbows, heck, you need some thunderstorms here and there too.
It's called balance :]
Friday, April 19, 2013
Standby period :]
Well, am currently on standby for 24hours, I have half a day to go til this torture ends.
Have been emotional lately due to mental and physical fatigue. So many things are running through my mind and they never stop.
Let's talk about the happy memories I have in this flying life today eh?
Where shall I start...
Ah.. This happened some time ago end of last year. It was a flight bound for Koh Samui, Thailand. It was a pretty normal flight, with the profile of mostly caucasian and asian holiday makers. Happy people on board :)
During disembarkation, as I was walking behind a caucasian family with a little girl around 5-6 years old and baby, this little girl holding her stuffed toy, stopped and turned around to face me, telling me "Hugsss" and gave me a tight hug as I bend down to her, and she walked away after. That little hug there made my day. It made me go "awwwww" the whole day. With her blonde curly shoulder length hair, and fair skin with freckles, blue eyes, I can never forget that hugging moment.
There was once, during meal service, 2 kids, boy and girl were sitting by themselves at row 8D and 8E, economy class. Should be around 8 or 9 years old. Caucasian kids. I've served them their meals first because they had childmeal requested for them. Apparently the father was sitting in Business class which I found out later. So as I was at the mid cabin waiting for my colleague to finish serving the other passengers, they pressed the call bell. And little bro here asked for my help to cut the chicken thigh into cutlets for his sister. *This somehow reminded me of Abigael, my aunt's daughter when I helped her to cut her slice of pizza into smaller portions.*
Without hesitation, I did my part as their big sister and cut the chicken not only for the sister, but also for the brother himself. They were so well behaved and well mannered. Such lovable kids! That little act of mine somehow made one of my colleague who happened to walk past me when I was doing it go "seriously you cut the chicken for them?" Well, babysitting is part of my job, is it not? :)
The best moment I had was when I was given a mentee to take care of for a month. I was utterly shocked when I was given one, but I guess there's a reason why they pushed her to me. She slowly became my closefriend or rather little sister, a year younger than I am :)
Our journey together throughout that one whole month was awesome, she's stressed out with me being too strict, but with all that, she became stronger and turned out to be one of the best.
That, was one of my achievement. And I am proud of her :)
There are so much more nice nice memories, but my mind is blocked for now. Behind all the smile I had to give in the cabin, behind the curtain is when I go crazy. You see, not every new girls and everybody has the same positive attitude. Some of them can be rather,
I better stop typing of thinking about them or I'll go crazy now.
"Happy thoughts Lucky. Happy thoughts~" :]
"Have you ever tried so hard to forget about something, and when you're about to enter the last stage of not even remembering a single detail, it came back to haunt you?"
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