*Global pandemic*
When it first hit the news, it was just like any other influenza outbreaks.
The world doesn't seem to be in much of a concern, until things took a hit and the numbers started increasing rapidly within hours, days, weeks.
The next thing you know, almost the whole world goes under lock-down.
It has been said that this is worse than SARS epidemic which occurred 17 years back.
This pandemic has definitely hit the aviation industry hard.
I mean, it did it's job by hitting the whole world's economy bad, everybody is feeling the punch, not pinch.
Heck,
Covid -19 - 1, Homo-sapiens - 0.
https://www.worldometers.info/coronavirus/
Reported cases as of date : 645,606
How this has affected those of us that are flying?
Almost all the flights are cancelled, restrictions into entering/leaving/re-entering any countries,
nil flights = nil allowances (which us, the cabin crew heavily relies on), scratching heads on tonnes of bills to pay, don't even get me started on those with families, how troubled their minds are right now.
Families of those that are worried sick, or we ourselves, worries too as we might not know what's gonna happen next. How paranoia struck while on duty, off duty too.
And, boredom for those that are stuck at home, which happens to be our current fate for past 2-3weeks, and by the looks of it, we might be stuck in this current situation for couple of more weeks, possibly months.
Explains all the tiktok vids, challenges and whatnot that's been circling around on social media.
In a way, it is somewhat true that mother earth is taking a break from human beings.
We too, are taking a break from whatever that's been happening around us. Especially in a country with such fast pace.
With all the global chaos occurring, one thing hasn't changed much though, the mind.
How I wish the mind can take a breather too. For once.
Sunday, March 29, 2020
Wednesday, March 11, 2020
Reactions to actions :]
"You either say how you feel and f*ck it up, or say nothing and let it f*ck you up instead."
Time passed since, but it got me thinking still.
Like wind, the flow comes, oh so unexpectedly.
It catches you at such odd timings, you were unguarded.
The pain it brings, no words in the dictionary could ever describe it.
It may hurt less as day goes by, but it hurts, still.
I wish there is a reset button to everything.
Anything to carve this feeling out of my heart.
Like a fine needle, it may look harmless, but embedded in so deep, you feel it with every single heartbeat.
The ache it brings, you can't help but to take a deep breath, and in that deep breath you take, you feel it poking in deeper.
The sharpness of it as you slowly breathe out... Ooof...
How can something you thought planned out so well, turned out to be so wrong?
Turned out to be a mistake.
Funny when there were warning signs, red flags.
But what does this smart girl ended up doing?
Ignoring them, brushing them off.
Believing, that a person would change.
Believing, that a person would not stoop to such level.
Believing, that a person gave his all.
Believing every sweet honey coated words masking those actions.
Who was I kidding?
Who was I trying to fool?
Clearly, yours truly.
The world does not hear, nor do they see what was happening.
It was kept so well. Sealed so tightly.
Until the day comes, where I couldn't hold it in any longer.
That very day.
The cloud of fear that was surrounding me that very day.
I felt as if he had eyes everywhere, around me, watching my every single moves.
I do not feel safe any longer.
The body is finally rejecting it.
How it was when in that situation, you had every chance to run, but you were paralyzed.
Paralyzed by what you claim to be "love" that you had for that person.
Paralyzed by the fear of loss.
How can one, love to an extent where you let yourself drown?
Probably why they call it "blinded by love".
When I realized, whatever the hell that I've done in the past, were worthless.
Time/effort invested.
None of those count, as long as he believes in his theories.
How you feel that you're such a fool.
It makes you laugh and weep at the same time, in disbelief.
I am always grateful, how my eyes were finally opened.
After a couple of blows, I'm defeated.
Finally, the heart says, I'm done...
You know how you've been doing the chasing all these while, you just want to be chased for once.
26 days, the most gruesome 4 weeks of my life.
Worse than what any physical pain one may experience.
Each and every single day. Down to the hours, minutes, seconds.
How it pained me to wait, to see.
But each passing day was to no avail.
To even have a shut eye was a battle itself.
The mind and body is exhausted, but the eyes just wouldn't close.
The stomach was growling for food, but the smell and thought of it makes one want to puke.
The lips was carving a smile and laughter, but how much it's aching to fake them every single time.
Home was not home.
It felt like it was just a place to crash in before the day has to start again.
26th day.
The first thing that popped was "What happened?", filled with arrogance.
I knew right then, enough is enough.
I deserved/deserve better than this.
There is a phrase that goes "You left mentally before you leave physically."
I left a long time ago.
Keeping this as a commitment as I needed to.
Fulfilling whatever duties I needed to.
How is life after tying the knot they ask.
And my reply would always be the same, good.
They were genuine in the beginning stages, but as time goes, the word "good" was the best word of a reply to stop any further questions.
The thing about relationship of any sort, is that, effort should be put in, from both ends.
It gets tiring if one starts giving up and the other kept filling up the spaces for the other.
Sparks have to be kept alive instead of taking things for granted.
Tendency of complacence is definitely high as time pass, and that's the poison.
The mother of all failures.
And when one realizes, it's usually too late.
Or when one tries to change you, inside out.
When you are told to change, and be a "better version" of you, by not being yourself.
So this question that I have lingering in me is, who or what did you fall for, since all these changes are necessary?
Perhaps I too did not do what's needed to be done?
But I tried, expressing myself which in turn leads to a disagreement or argument.
Or being shun off.
Nobody saw this coming.
Not me especially.
I am still asking myself "why" til this very day.
Time passed since, but it got me thinking still.
Like wind, the flow comes, oh so unexpectedly.
It catches you at such odd timings, you were unguarded.
The pain it brings, no words in the dictionary could ever describe it.
It may hurt less as day goes by, but it hurts, still.
I wish there is a reset button to everything.
Anything to carve this feeling out of my heart.
Like a fine needle, it may look harmless, but embedded in so deep, you feel it with every single heartbeat.
The ache it brings, you can't help but to take a deep breath, and in that deep breath you take, you feel it poking in deeper.
The sharpness of it as you slowly breathe out... Ooof...
How can something you thought planned out so well, turned out to be so wrong?
Turned out to be a mistake.
Funny when there were warning signs, red flags.
But what does this smart girl ended up doing?
Ignoring them, brushing them off.
Believing, that a person would change.
Believing, that a person would not stoop to such level.
Believing, that a person gave his all.
Believing every sweet honey coated words masking those actions.
Who was I kidding?
Who was I trying to fool?
Clearly, yours truly.
The world does not hear, nor do they see what was happening.
It was kept so well. Sealed so tightly.
Until the day comes, where I couldn't hold it in any longer.
That very day.
The cloud of fear that was surrounding me that very day.
I felt as if he had eyes everywhere, around me, watching my every single moves.
I do not feel safe any longer.
The body is finally rejecting it.
How it was when in that situation, you had every chance to run, but you were paralyzed.
Paralyzed by what you claim to be "love" that you had for that person.
Paralyzed by the fear of loss.
How can one, love to an extent where you let yourself drown?
Probably why they call it "blinded by love".
When I realized, whatever the hell that I've done in the past, were worthless.
Time/effort invested.
None of those count, as long as he believes in his theories.
How you feel that you're such a fool.
It makes you laugh and weep at the same time, in disbelief.
I am always grateful, how my eyes were finally opened.
After a couple of blows, I'm defeated.
Finally, the heart says, I'm done...
You know how you've been doing the chasing all these while, you just want to be chased for once.
26 days, the most gruesome 4 weeks of my life.
Worse than what any physical pain one may experience.
Each and every single day. Down to the hours, minutes, seconds.
How it pained me to wait, to see.
But each passing day was to no avail.
To even have a shut eye was a battle itself.
The mind and body is exhausted, but the eyes just wouldn't close.
The stomach was growling for food, but the smell and thought of it makes one want to puke.
The lips was carving a smile and laughter, but how much it's aching to fake them every single time.
Home was not home.
It felt like it was just a place to crash in before the day has to start again.
26th day.
The first thing that popped was "What happened?", filled with arrogance.
I knew right then, enough is enough.
I deserved/deserve better than this.
There is a phrase that goes "You left mentally before you leave physically."
I left a long time ago.
Keeping this as a commitment as I needed to.
Fulfilling whatever duties I needed to.
How is life after tying the knot they ask.
And my reply would always be the same, good.
They were genuine in the beginning stages, but as time goes, the word "good" was the best word of a reply to stop any further questions.
The thing about relationship of any sort, is that, effort should be put in, from both ends.
It gets tiring if one starts giving up and the other kept filling up the spaces for the other.
Sparks have to be kept alive instead of taking things for granted.
Tendency of complacence is definitely high as time pass, and that's the poison.
The mother of all failures.
And when one realizes, it's usually too late.
Or when one tries to change you, inside out.
When you are told to change, and be a "better version" of you, by not being yourself.
So this question that I have lingering in me is, who or what did you fall for, since all these changes are necessary?
Perhaps I too did not do what's needed to be done?
But I tried, expressing myself which in turn leads to a disagreement or argument.
Or being shun off.
Nobody saw this coming.
Not me especially.
I am still asking myself "why" til this very day.
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