Losing vs Loss :]

"You don't know what you have until it's gone."

Browsing through social media, clicked on the first Highlight, Trixie.
Loaded, clicked back, load again, clicked back. On repeat.
Made me think, when was the last time I touched you, pet you, bathed you.









Oh how we take things in life for granted.
How we assume that nothing would go wrong, that people or things would always be around us, until, it's gone.

Funny how people work so hard for something that they really want, and once they get it, they start giving up, or I'd rather the word, complacency.
The effort that's being put in on the initial stage, you try so hard, and once you got it, the effort fades away, slowly, and little did you know, you start losing interest, neglecting.

No doubt the love you have for said thing is still there,
but perhaps, much like the phrase, actions speak louder than words.
Actions are gone, but words linger around, like a broken stereo.

Words that you hear ever so often, you start brushing them of.
Words that mean something eventually meant nothing.

Is it really human nature to take things for granted?
Is there something we can do to change that fact?
Oh we could, we can.
It's called, trying, on a constant basis.
Keeping it real, keeping it fresh.

Resentment.
The ultimate krypton.
Once that is in you towards a person, it goes downhill from then on.

The key to a basic mutuality → Communication.
But what if, communicating leads to an argument, a misunderstanding, a mishap, instead of putting your message across?
Defense mechanism. That happens.
You bottle your emotions up. You keep your thoughts to yourself. You hold yourself back. You become less like you, and more like what people want you to be.
Hence, resentment, in you.

People would question you why.
Why?
Because you believe that it's alright. It's okay.
You believe it's compromising.
There is no such thing as compromising, if it's a one way highway.
Where one benefits and the other gets hurt, be it emotionally, physically or spiritually.

Parasitism.

How can one let another have control of oneself.
Is the fear of losing, clouding up one's judgement?
Perhaps.

It gets tiring. It gets heavy. You could barely breathe at times.
Emotions.
A wonderful feeling.
A toxic one at it too.
You wish you could just turn that switch off.
Just a flick of a switch and it's off.
Turn it back on, only when it's necessary.
Only when it's a positive one.
If only it's as simple as ABC.

One fine day, when reality slaps you in the face, and you realize your worth, you stand back up on both feet once again.
They tell you you've changed. You are no longer who they claim you to be.

What if you never change.
What if you are just being yourself once again.
What if you find it in you to be who you really are.
Someone you've suppressed, in order to please another.
Like a sleeping volcano, erupting once more.


It's amusing how people would destroy another just to lift themselves up.
And in return, they question the other party, why.

"Why do you behave in such a manner when all I'm doing is to just destroy you?
Why are you reacting accordingly to my actions?
Why are you being so emotional when I'm just being heartless?
Why harvest so much of anger for me when I'm thinking of myself but not you?"


Humans are such complex creature.
They claim they love you for a second, and they despise you the next.
They don't see what they're doing to you.
Or maybe they do, but it's not that they care.

Such drastic change creates fear.
Fear of being vulnerable.
Fear of getting all your emotions thrown back at you.
There are so many why's, how's, what if's.
There is only so much one can hold back.

Superiority over animals despite being classified as one, top of the food chain and all.
But really, being an animal is so much more straightforward.
Either you're a prey or predator.
Either you eat to stay alive, or get eaten.
No in between.
Love? Nah, it's just mating to reproduce.
Albeit some animals probably are scientifically proven to stay with one mate for the rest of their life, but nahhh. Far more simple than homo sapiens.


Life is but a dream, they say.
Sweet dreams, nightmares or just dream dream.
We'll snap out of it eventually.
It's just a matter of time.
I suppose.









"You lost the moon while counting the stars."

Reflects, reflex :]

13 days has passed since new year.
Everything feels and look pretty much the same.
Well, in exactly 5 months 9 days, it's gonna be my 10th year residing here, on this little red dot ⛳, they call it.


As much as I've mentioned how things were pretty much the same since new year, that's definitely 👆 one thing that changed a whole lot.


From how a reserved timid 17 year old teenage girl eagerly left home, looking for an adventure outside of her comfort zone, breathing air in new places before fate found her one to set her foot on. I somehow cornered and forced my ownself into "adulting" because of my decision.
Rash decision? Probably.
But you live and you learn ey ✌



I remembered how excited and scared I was knowing a new adventure awaits. It was mixed feelings, churning in me. 
How I was awed looking, admiring all those tall beautiful sleek buildings, like something out of the movie.
Stayed in KL close to 3 months prior to that, but Singapore is on another level. 
A girl, from a simple small town, ventured out, and it was indeed an eye opener.

Where I was from, based on my memory growing up til 2010, things were simple then.
You don't need no google maps or gps to bring you around. You memorize the roads, from main roads, to small little roads, well versed in every single corner, all at the tip of your fingers. 

No doubt home is bigger than Singapore, but it was not as developed. Hence, lesser buildings, lesser malls, lesser confusions.
But KK has been improving especially the past 2 years. Which kinda saddens me, because the old roads I used to know were either no longer there, or they've changed the route, widen it, or added overpass. Never thought I'll see the day KK actually has an overpass. Now they've got couple of it, and the last I went back, 2 were under constructions, on their way up.





How time pass.
How things change.
For the better, or for the worse.
Time waits for nobody.
The next thing you know, it's tomorrow.
The next you blink, it's another 10 years.

I question myself at times.
Where do I go from here.

The thing about the mind, 
is that; 
it never stops wondering; where, when, how, why, what.
it never stops wandering; into that tunnel that leads to multiple sections, never ending crossroads.

The mind triggers memories, both good and bad.
One setback though, we tend to remember more of the bad.
You can't help but to. Human nature.
Also, when the bad supersedes the good.
As much as you try not to bring negativity into the space, it's filled with it.

When you thought you are able to control your emotions, hide them, ignore them, suppress them;
it's just a matter of time.
Again, time, plays a big part in this.
How much capacity does the heart and mind have, 
How long of a time does the heart and mind able to bear, 
What will break both the heart and mind, before they're awaken and finally erupt.

When you're constantly in that cloud you thought was cloud 9, 
turns out to be fog or haze that's been blinding your sight, clouding your might.
Is this how much feelings/emotions can play with your heart and mind?
How it changes your sight, and judgement. 
I wonder how, why.

We are in control of our own emotions, we are in control of our own judgments.
But when you let somebody control them for you, put strings on you and puppet you around, who is to be blamed, but yours truly.
Choice is yours. Choices are yours.

One thing others wouldn't understand, is how sometimes, certain people are gifted.

Gifted with words. 
Gifted with alluring you into believing.

Gifted into making you stay.

Gifted into making you hold on to something that's eating you inside, yet you don't show it on the outside.

A gift with a curse.

You don't believe in quitting.
But when love changes to something else, how does that justify said situation.
Nobody knows what happens behind closed doors.
Nobody is able to feel what you felt.
And you can go to nobody, because you're lost, confused, tongue tied.

When you dug yourself a hole so deep, you forgot to leave an exit for yourself just in case.
Now you're struggling to get yourself out of it.
How all of these made you change your perception on things.





There are times where i wish, I could turn back the clock, back to when I was that happy-go-lucky carefree 5 year old child and stay that way. Never grow up.
Guess that only exist in fairy tales like Peter Pan. 




Oh wells 2020, bring it bruh. Come what may :]