Perspectives; Perceptions :]

"Let it hurt until it hurts no more. Always remember that it takes time to heal."



A quote i happen to come by. And it holds nothing but the truth.
How healing mentally varies to each and every individual. Some takes days, weeks, months, years, or rather, in the process of healing still.
Whatever stage they may be at, every single second that passes by, is a moment closer to being healed.

Much like many other things in life, we want them to be fast, quick, immediate.
Same goes to healing.
The journey, if can be described as flavours, they'd be bitter, sour, sweet, salty and tasteless altogether. It brings you through pain and joy at the same time.

At first, it'll be hard to let go. You cling on, hoping that it's all just a bad dream that you'll wake up to and give a sigh of relief that it's all nothing but a nightmare.
You hold on until you can no longer hold it.
And the pain of letting go, indescribable pain.
You'll then go in to denial, pretty much already at it while you were holding on, until reality slaps you hard on your face.

Then distractions.
You distract yourself by occupying that mind of yours, doing anything and everything but to face your feelings.
You do what you think makes you happy, put on a show to the world, lying even to yourself, somehow convinced and believing in your own lies.
That you are okay, you are fine, you got it.
But heck. Are you really?

Then the pain, hurt and everything else starts gushing in and you're hit with every emotions.
You question everything. It's like sitting in a time pod and it brings you back to every single questionable scenes. Self blame. Because you know that you allowed all of that to happen to you. You let it happen. You allowed it. You were weak.

The wall.
You learnt that putting your wall down exposes you. So you build it. Brick by brick, layer by layer. You shut anything down that might bring you back to the same pain again.
A wall that might have been built unknowingly over time. Many a times, we are how we are, because of what we go through or went through.
You put on a wall, to protect yourself, because it scares you how much pain a person can bring you especially coming from someone that is dear to you.

The breakdown.
Oh you thought you've felt every single pain and hurt that you could, but this comes creeping on you.
You're mentally exhausted that it affects you physically. You're just constantly tired and all you wanna do is to just crawl on to the bed and shut the world around you.
People go through grief differently. Perhaps mine is to just shut everything out.
Sometimes you need someone to listen, to understand, to hold you.
Most of the time, for the perpetrator to realize what they've done to break you. But always to no avail. So you blame yourself because... you allowed it.

Fear, pain, hurt, anger. Suffocating you.
That pain in your chest. It squeezes. Like fish out of the water. You crave oxygen to breathe.
You'll trade anything you can, just to remove it.
Like unicorn, impossible.
And it all goes down to time.

Acceptance.
You may or may not be here.
And you're the only one who knows truly.
Like said quote, hurt until it hurts no more.
On a scale of 1 to being least and 10 for being most, it was once way past 10, but now I guess it's at 5-6.
It still hurts, but it doesn't hurt as bad.
Not when I come to realize, that it took hell of a courage to walk away from something that is eating me alive.
I did not lose because I quit.
I won because I know when to quit.

There was a time I almost manipulated myself to believe that the level of pain I had can never be compared to others that went through worst. Some may not even live to tell the tale.
I questioned myself and brought myself to the past again and again, walking through it, finding my mistake that could've led to them. My only mistake, was to allow a man to treat me less than a woman, less than what I deserve.

Up til this day, as ugly and painful as things are, I realize that perhaps I too, may not be the best for some.
And I am glad it came to this. No longer a sigh, but a breath of relief.
The storm will pass, and the sun will shine once more.
Sometimes, you just have to learn the hard way in order for you to remember and to be wiser.
Remind yourself, that it is never your lost. It's theirs.

It might be scary to give yourself that chance once more, but I believe and I want to believe, that something beautiful awaits.
People always say "you deserve better".
I say, all of us deserve better. In fact, we all deserve the best.
Like the best dessert after a good meal.
Nothing a gooey sweet creamy finger licking cold ice-cream can't fix. Guilty pleasures :)